Changing... Bubbles
© 2024, James McLean
This week, I’ve been preparing to facilitate a short workshop for a group to explore how to have ‘difficult conversations’ together. These are not just difficult conversations about someone’s work performance not being what it should be; they are conversations about big, complex, and quality-of-life-determining issues.
These are conversations that matter!
Some folk reminisce and talk about how we have lost the capability to share different perspectives – to listen to each other. They talk as though we used to be able to do this. I wonder if this is true or not.
How do we hold open the space to share very different perspectives on topics?
Topics that are becoming life-threatening. Topics like action on climate change, housing, health, suicide prevention.
I suggest that it takes practice. It’s a muscle we have to keep exercising – even if we think we are good at it. When we hear something that goes against our deeply-held beliefs, it's easy to be 'triggered' and react emotionally before we have a chance to think (this happened to me only recently).
Here are some steps to consider next time you feel triggered by someone else’s view:
Notice how we feel when someone else’s view triggers us.
Ask ourselves what we fear we might lose or why that view provokes such a defensive reaction.
Make the conscious decision to be curious and ask questions to understand the other’s perspective.
Take time to consider and learn from the ideas you hear. The conversation could continue another time.
Well, this is fine – it sounds simple enough.
Why is it so darned difficult?????
Between Step 1 and Step 2 is a stumbling block many of you will be familiar with. The emotions evoked at this point can swamp our bodies with hormones that remain for hours. The fight/flight/freeze mechanism in our ‘reptilian brain’ can hijack us completely (hence, the term ‘amygdala hijack’ was coined by Daniel Goleman in 1995). You'll find listening and making a well-reasoned response very hard if you become hijacked by these chemicals.
Another influence on our reasoning is the phenomenon of ‘othering’. We can defend our perspective and ourselves by making light of someone else’s predicament. "They’ are not like ‘us'". "They are less than ‘us'". At its most extreme, the act of ‘othering’ has historically led down some very dark and damaging paths.
In our modern world, with social media's social experiment playing out, we seem to find it easier to ‘other’ people, and more difficult to listen to each other. We become captive to our ‘bubbles’ of self-reinforcing information/views/biases, and the algorithms feed us more of our existing views that reinforce our identity.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on bubbles, listening to understand, being open to changing our perspectives, and having truly meaningful conversations so that we are changing.... bubbles.